Monday, October 02, 2006
Friendships
Hey guys, it's me... blogging again. I know, I'm sorry I haven't blogged for the longest time. It's just lately,I've kind of been in a slump, as you all might have noticed. But with that emotional slump comes good grades. Hurrah for me! (Okay, I give you time... laugh your little laugh here and snicker your little snicker. You done yet?) Ok, now going back to emotional stress, I have been kind of all over the place lately. You know... I haven't really had a decent outlet for my grief. I mean... I am surrounded by a lot of really really great people but I just don't know how they'll react to whatever I have to say or what's going on my mind. I mean, do I know these people enough? or even worse... do I trust them with this kind of weight? 'Cause boy oh boy this is some baggage I'm carrying.
Friends. You don't really need a lot of them; just a few real ones would do. But how do you know which one's are the real ones? I'm not doubting my friends or anything -- it's just... a lot of my friends have their own things and they aren't exactly the easiest people to talk to. They aren't the kind of people you just say "hey you wanna hear something pretty gosh darn heavy?" and spill your guts to - no. I probably sound awful to you guys right now but it's true. There are just some people who aren't comfortable in knowing everyone else's baggage. I guess I should be happy...I've got my own dirty little secret. Cue in Nada Surf's album, THE WEIGHT IS A GIFT. But ya'll gotta admit, a secret can sometimes drive you off the edge. In fact, I don't think secrecy is a good thing. If you really think about it, it's a lot like hypocrisy or pretension. That should be named as the 8th deadliest sin. Nothing good ever comes out of secrets, anyways. Secrets from lovers are always bad and secrets from friends NEVER turn out well. Secrecy ruins a relationship.
Okay, we're straying a tad bit too far from the topic I had in mind to discuss so tallying back, I wanted to talk about friends tonight. Not just friends friends, you know? but... a group of people or a person who just makes you feel alive. You know... people think the hard part is finding someone who would walk on fire for you
and who you would walk on fire for - but truly, that's the easy part. I think that the hardest part is finding a person who already needs you to walk on fire for them but still wouldn't let you. That's the thing... friends are supposed to be people who would walk on fire for you... but the question is: for you to be a good friend, as well ... will you actually make them?
Recently, my best friend and I haven't been on the best of terms. Think cats and dogs. Everytime we fight peole just say "You guys are you! You'll get though this." and we always do, too... But I don't know. It just feels like I'm losing her to some guy and his friends and she really picks their company over mine even when I need her the most. I know I'm being totally stupid and pathetic for putting up with her BS but... she's still my bestfriend. I mean... she may not be my friend and I may not be able to tell her stuff but, I'm still hers. I'm still her friend and she can still trust me. I can never ever leave that behind. I can never forgive myslelf if anything happened to her. I guess I'm just wired that way.
So a 10 year relationship with having no one else to run too, and jumping from one group to another can't get passed one boy -- and it's not even a boy that we both like. It's kind of stupid.
So to you, you know who you are, if you're reading this... I want you to know, I mean it.
