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Alessandra
Essa.Les.
Apathetic (in a way). Insomniac. Fascinated by brujeria. Epitomizes procrastination. Hopes for the best, expects the worst. Cynical. Empathetic. Introvert. Obstructionist. Inconspicuous. Imaginative. Ambiguous. Passive-Aggressive.


Melancholic. Pessimist. Eloquent. Critical. Dense. Euphuist. Loquacious. Pompous. Shrewd. Walking Paradox.

The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes.
- The Curious Incident of the dog in the night-time, Mark Haddon (Christopher)

**
When it comes down to it,
I let them think what they want.
If they care enough to bother with what I do,
then I'm already better than them anyways.
- Marilyn Monroe

**
I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.
- Audrey Hepburn

**
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
- Oscar Wilde

**
I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
- Jane Austen

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Selfish deeds of the world

Am I selfish? Can anyone answer that for me, becuase as of the moment, I do feel a tad bit selfish. It's like whatever I do benefits me more than it does other people. Is that wrong? Or is it wrong to think that?

I meet a lot of people and it just makes me wonder; do the people I meet think I'm a bad person? Okay. So maybe I am being paranoid, but... doesn't this kind of 6th sense sort of have a basis? I mean I wouldn't feel this way if no one MADE me feel this way.

I screwed up as a friend. I screwed up as a person -- I'm sorry for that.

I fell for you when I wasn't supposed to. It figures, I'd meet the perfect guy and he'd already have the perfect girl. I know you love her and everyone knows how much she loves you. But can you seriously say that there's nothing going on between us? You're having an emotional affair and you know it. You may love her but that doesn't mean you're inlove with her. Oh God, here I am again. Saying all of these wrong things. I probably sound like a selfish, self-loathing, spoiled brat. I'm not like this most of the time; Just when I think of you and there are all of these discomfort and UNEASED, UNNOTICED tension. When we're together, it feels perfect. I don't feel any of these things. I know I'm so stubborn and so hard to get-to-know because I bury things and secrets and prefer to keep them buried... but am I really that bad? Is the situation really this screwed up?

I read this story somewhere and lately, it has been getting to my head. There was this girl and she was boarding a plane to somewhere. Not even she knows where she's headed. She just knows that she needs to get out of the country. On her flight, she meets this guy -- ala single-serving friend if you put it in Chuck Palahniuk language -- and they hit it off. They talk for hours and hours and then suddenly, she wakes up. She was dreaming the whole scene. So she gets out of her house, walks down the curb, passes by a bookstore, buys a book, passes a record store, buys a record, goes down to a coffee shop and just sits there. She sits there observing the world. The world and the people in it. She sees a woman holding her daughter's hand. She thinks to herself: is this woman really happy? Was she having an affair? She most likely is. How about her husband - the kid's dad. Is he having an affair? Probably with his sexretary - or secretary, rather. While she clouded her head with these thoughts, a man passes by in front of her; a man walking his dog. The man at the plane. He looks at her and gives her a smile. She's just awestruck. She rubs it off of her as she sips her coffee and puts her record in the little cafe's phonograph. The best of the beatles plays on. She opens her book and curls her feet under her. She feels calm. The man enters the coffee shop. He sits at a table on the opposite side of hers. She thinks to herself: should I go near him? Does he seem to find me familiar? Did we really meet in some alternate universe? And then nothing. She just goes home. Without really taking a chance. She just didn't know. He doesn't exist without her. The boy's gone.

Should I be like her? Should I just keep it to myself? I don't wanna be the girl who put me through hell. I went out with a boy. I took my chance. He just didn't reciprocate the feelings. He had another girl. That girl put me through months of tears. She put me through HELL and back. I don't wanna be the girl who puts another girl through hell. I know how it feels... it almost killed me. The pain and heartache you feel when you get your heartbroke is terrible. I wouldn't wish it on anybody - not even my worst enemy.

So the question is...

Which girl am I going to be? The one who fights like hell for what she wants and, seems-to-believe, that she deserves? Or will I be the one watching from the sidelines hoping to God that he sees me even if I'm too far away?

Either way I'm being selfish. Selifish to myself and selifsh to other people.

It's a no-win situation. Should be a no-brainer.

Once in a blue moon

Hardly ever do my sister and I hang out. Last night was an exception. Of course, being in a family of 8 kids, one can not help but form alliances (Yes, there really are.) Since 2 of my siblings have already moved out, now we are only 6 living in, as Uncle Andre put it, Kawilihanvill. Last night, I was left alone with Ate Jae and her boyfriend, Miggy, in the house with dinner neither of us eat. We absolutely refuse to. So we all decided we wanted to go out. Mainly because the dinner was intolerable (No, I'm just over reacting. We just didn't want to eat Soup for dinner on a HOT summer night) and because if we didn't get out of this house, we were going to die of boredom.

So the scene is, in the living room, Ate Jae and Miggy sitting in the long couch and I opposite them, while we discuss the possibilities of bugging dad. They assign, mainly because I was the youngest of the group, that I have to be the one to call dad and ask him where he was and if we may follow. As always, he was having dinner in VVCC with Tito Joe, Tita Chat, Doc. Banatic, and Carla. We arrive and order dinner, then we ask Carla to join us just so we can talk. After dinner, Carla, along with her parents, Tito Joe and Tita Chat went home whilst Doc. Banatin and Dad went to a wake of their friend's brother-in-law's cousin's wife (WHEW! Did you get a headache there?) So once more, Ate Jae, Miggy, and yours truly were left with nothing to do.

We decide to go to Tiendesitas just to kill time. Ate Jae ended up buying things she didn't need again. Tssk. No self-control there, woman! While we were at Tiendesitas, I see the perennial lakwatsero Justin with some of his friends eating at the food court while enjoying the concert. So before we head back home, I tell Ate Jae and Miggy that I'll just say hi to a friend of mine. After I've said my hellos and goodbyes to Justin and Co., The lead singer of the band approaches me! Talk about weird. Haha. He just sang and was asking me to dance with him. No thanks! After that, the three of us just headed home.

When we got home, Ate Jae and I just stayed up until whatever time and watched Grey's Anatomy, Smallville, and American Idol on tv.

So that's all for now.

Laater, tater tots!

Soap Operas are not the bombdiggity - whatever that means

For two years have I been blogging and until very recently, I blogged often. Wondering what could have caused the dramatic change of candor? Well, you and I both! Probably, the due fact that everyone has abused my guilelessness and used it against me OR I have finally gained a REAL life and decided to keep it private. But lo and behold, as always, I keep crawling back to my blog. Yes dear lovers, I am back once more. And for good, might I add. Forgive the fickle-mindedness.

Let's see, let's see. I will type random words that come to mind and I will write whatever opinions whatsoever I may have with regards to them.

Whoops. Interruption: AJ messages me. Hello there! Now let me go back to blogging - I have missed it.

stupidIRRITATINGloveMISCHIEF

Stupid, irritating, love, and mischief? There are only two things that may contain all of these: A.) High school drama OR hormonal teenagers B.) Icky Soap Operas.

I'm talking about the latter. Here I am once more, Home Alone on a Summer Night left with nothing to do but explore the wonders that is the internet. Being the chicken that I am alone in this big big house in my room, I asked one of our house help to accompany me in my room. Since I'm blasting out on my earphones anyways, she asked me if she may watch tv. I, being the fair and just lady that I am, allowed her to do so (Mainly because her "off-time" started at 8. It's so nice of her to grant me a wish after duty hours.) She turns the Television on to Channel 8; ABS-CBN.

Another interruption: Arvin and Calvin. HOWDY, MATES? haha. Love these people like a fat kid loves cake times infinity and beyond but I hope they would take note of the "Busy" status and icon on my Y!M. Oh, Arvin comes bearing good news and Calvin is talking about music. No harm in that. The Maid randomly asks me if I want anything - YES! Coffee for me, please? (: SCORE.

Going back, as she turns the television on to Channel 8, a over-rated, over-popularized, under-filmed, under-acted filipino soap comes on. I'm not one to drop titles mainly because a good friend of mine works and acts for that particular soap. I'm not saying she's untalented, though! They're all very talented. The thing is, the script is just so... over-played. As far as I followed, there is a married couple trying to be broken up by the 2 resident anti-heroes - the rich mother who thinks that the wife is a gold digging slut after her baby boy's inheritance and money AND the bitchy family friend whom the rich mother wants her precious son to end up with. Wow, how original (I speak sarcasm as a 2nd language, forgive but do not forget.) The 2 anti-heroes are just played by such utter disgust and villainy that one can not help but want to slap them continuously to their senses.

The stars and leads of the show, the married couple, are just the most naive people on the history of the planet! It is IMPOSSIBLE to be that dense. Apparently, the bitchy family friend threatened some poor guy to tell the husband that he and his wife were having an affair. The stupid husband, believed that obviously false accusation coming from the man who tried to rape his wife. Yo buddy, get a clue, relaaax, kiccck back. Talk sbout stupidity. The wife, on the other hand, is so madly inlove with her husband that she is willing to shake and force a dying man on his death bed to give her husband the alibi she needed. It must be love.

I can't understand these television shows. Do they really take events on people's lives' in the real world? The only thing that these soap operas show are the putrescense of today's population. How everyone enjoys having to see that there are other people tons more miserable than they are - and they enjoy it; they find entertainment and solace in it. Silly and sick, if you really think about it. Sure, it's good to know that you aren't the most miserable person in the universe but to find peace of mind in other's misery is just plain wrong. There's a word for that here, it's called... SADISM.

I think the reason that the reason these kinds of television shows sell so much is because people are just so intrigued with the gossip behind these stories. The causes and the effects. The twists and the turns. I, for one, will admit I enjoy watching The OC, Laguna Beach, and One Tree Hill but for reasons entirely my own - definitely not because I enjoy watching other people squirm.

Okay, I'll make like a tree and leave now.

Oh, BY THE WAY, Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher are dating. SCORE for Seacrest! Haha! and Kristin Davis (Charlotte from Sex & the City) is dating Matthew Perry (Chandler from FRIENDS) and they seem to be Hollywood's new "IT" couple. WAY TO GO, MATTHEW PERRY! DEFINITELY SCORE. Love them both. (:

Now, I'm off like a dirty shirt!

Of Grave Misunderstandings

I hate that you're implying I'm stupid. Yes, I am a little snotty and quite the know-it-all but that's because I have my facts straight. Before you go get pissed at me because I seem to know whatever you just found out, go get YOUR facts in line. You've been nagging me the whole night. Now THAT'S annoying, I should be the one who's pissed. And I did get pissed, but not piss you off. Why would I? You and I always have these silly little arguements because I know what you don't and I correct you. DON'T GET BOTHERED BY THAT. That's just the way life goes. Lately, we've been getting along just fine, just as long as I adjust to you and don't complain about anything. But you see, I won't settle for that. You most certainly can not FORCE friendship. Pretty soon, you'll lose sight of what is the real substance and goodness of a person whom is worth your time just because they stand up for what they believe in and don't allow themselves to be pushed by the likes of you. Think, really think, when was the last time you talked to someone because they seemed intelligent, nice, and worthy of your time? I bet you can't remember. Because as far as I can remember, you have always based friendship upon the amount of time and cherish they will give you. You're no KING. You're an average person like me, the person next to me, and so on. We're all trapped by a SINGULAR fate. Accept it. So, I am willing to apologize and accept your apology, if you're willing to apologize and accept mine.

THINK ABOUT IT.

I'm not a dog. Go get yourself one.

**

Be bitter, fine. My head will sleep on a soft pillow tonight with a clear conscience.