Friday, March 17, 2006
The end of an era
It's just hitting me. I still haven't recuperated from the shock.
1 MORE WEEK. 1 more week until the seniors start anew and for the last time, once more become freshmen. 1 more week until they leave us. 1 more week until we're left vulnerable. 1 more week until
HE leaves. It's not fair. We weren't given enough time. Sure, they promise to never ever leave us be, but at some point, both parties know that they will... We know it, they know it, let us just get on with our lives. Stop trying to inflict hope in our minds. PROMISES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN ANYWAYS, RIGHT?
I guess I'm just sourgraping because I know at some point, friendships will be lost. Sure, the memory stays. But what good is it if we aren't going to be able to talk about it? We can't make anymore, as well. You & I? We were written on the stars. *sigh* It's weird, I have this painful and heavy feeling in my chest. It's getting harder to breathe and my breaths are growing heavier. Tears fill my eyes. My nose gets runny. I have so much more to say but so little time to say it. My knees buckle. My mind is opposing my heart. My head starts to throb. The tears finally stream down my face -- and they just keep going on and on and on... I don't know why I even bother. I guess I really should just stay away, avoid you guys because I might as well get used to it, right? What am I saying? I'm rambling again.
I just don't want you to leave, y'know? Who's to say when we're gonna see each other again? I can just picture it now...
I exit the St. Francis gate and there you are, smiling -- no beaming -- at me, and I run to you, you and I give each other the biggest hug in the world, and I feel safe again, but then when we go back to where you were standing, she's there. She and you have managed to maintain your relationship. I smile and tell her about school. I ask her about her new year, I tell her how we miss them, all of the seniors, terribly. She tells me we can get through. I thank her for her faith and turn around. I felt like crying so I walked away. Then he follows me because he knows, just like before, that I smile and say I'm fine but I really want to burst into tears and cry. He catches up to me and asks me why I'm crying again. He says what he missed most was taking care of me. Of course, there's no one to do that now. I make-up some lame excuse he doesn't believe. He takes care of me again and tells me that I should never judge myself worth of what other people think of me. I tell him thanks even though we both know that wasn't the reason i was crying. He knew why I was crying. He felt it. And for the first time in my life, I trust my heart. I stop him, dead in his tracks, and tell him the truth. I'm crying because I'm hurt. Because I miss you so god damn much. Because I wanna be the girl you're holding hands with. I look at him and get lost in the moment. She starts to look for him. I tell him to go... he said he doesn't want to leave me so torn and broken, I said the world will understand. He leaves, reluctantly. And I am back to square one. I am alone again. Oh god, I didn't even know where that came from. I just got lost in the music and the typing and my emotions and the tears... Fuck this shit, it isn't worth it, is it?
Is this a message that I should be more versatile? Perhaps so. Perhaps this is another test. People will start judging now. They'll try to make sense out of it even if they know they can't. They'll start to speak their highfalutin and euphuistic words and sound all eloquent. They'll be euphemistic as to not make me sound completely insane but rather disturbed. But you and I both know that it's not true. I know that I seem to be very fortunate, so why bother making such a big fuss over such petty things? There is no truth to that. Because reality-wise, I have been rather unfortunate. And when you're unfortunate, it'll make you go insane. Insane to the point of dropping your pen in the hallway wants to make you give everything you've fought for up and cry. And let's leave it at that.
& I bet that everyone thinks I'm a drama queen because I'm always upset about something... but if they knew everything and all the secrets and pain that I hide they would see how strong I really am
