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Monday, December 29, 2008

NEW SEASON

CLICK FOR THE NEW ADVNETURES.

Adieu, faithful readers!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Woodstock 2009

40 years after the original Woodstock Festival in 1969, people whose lives have been touched by the music want once more to experience the phenomenon that revolutionized rock n roll in their minds, hearts, and souls. The festival exemplified the counterculture of the late 1960's up to the early 1970's - the era of the hippies.

3 days of Peace and Music.

Let us think back on those performers whose music had made the Woodstock Festival in Bethel, NY.

Friday, August 15

The first day officially began at 5:07 p.m. with Richie Havens, and featured folk artists.

* Richie Havens
1. High Flyin' Bird
2. I Can't Make It Any More
3. With a Little Help from My Friends
4. Strawberry Fields Forever
5. Hey Jude
6. I Had A Woman
7. Handsome Johnny
8. Freedom/Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child

* Swami Satchidananda - gave the invocation for the festival

* Sweetwater
1. What's Wrong
2. Motherless Child
3. Look Out
4. For Pete's Sake
5. Day Song
6. Crystal Spider
7. Two Worlds
8. Why Oh Why

* The Incredible String Band
1. Invocation
2. The Letter
3. This Moment
4. When You Find Out Who You Are

* Bert Sommer
1. Jennifer
2. The Road To Travel
3. I Wondered Where You Be
4. She's Gone
5. Things Are Going my Way
6. And When It's Over
7. Jeanette
8. America
9. A Note That Read
10. Smile

* Tim Hardin, an hour-long set
1. If I Were A Carpenter
2. Misty Roses

* Ravi Shankar, with a 5-song set, played through the rain
1. Raga Puriya-Dhanashri/Gat In Sawarital
2. Tabla Solo In Jhaptal
3. Raga Manj Kmahaj
4. Iap Jor
5. Dhun In Kaharwa Tal

* Melanie
1. Tuning My Guitar
2. Johnny Boy
3. Beautiful People

* Arlo Guthrie
1. Coming Into Los Angeles
2. Walking Down the Line
3. Story about Moses and the Brownies
4. Amazing Grace

* Joan Baez
1. Story about how the Federal Marshals came to take David Harris into custody.
2. Joe Hill
3. Sweet Sir Galahad
4. Drugstore Truck Driving Man
5. Sweet Sunny South
6. Warm and Tender Love
7. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
8. We Shall Overcome

Saturday, August 16

The day opened at 12:15 pm, and featured some of the event's biggest psychedelic and guitar rock headliners.

* Quill, forty minute set of four songs
1. They Live the Life
2. BBY
3. Waitin' For You
4. Jam

* Keef Hartley Band
1. Spanish Fly
2. Believe In You
3. Rock Me Baby
4. Medley
5. Leavin' Trunk
6. Sinnin' For You

* Country Joe McDonald
1. I Find Myself Missing You
2. Rockin All Around The World
3. Flyin' High All Over the World
4. Seen A Rocket Flyin'
5. The "Fish" Cheer/I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag

* John Sebastian
1. How Have You Been
2. Rainbows Over Your Blues
3. I Had A Dream
4. Darlin' Be Home Soon
5. Younger Generation

* Santana
1. Waiting
2. You Just Don't Care
3. Savor
4. Jingo
5. Persuasion
6. Soul Sacrifice
7. Fried Neckbones

* Canned Heat
1. A Change Is Gonna Come/Leaving This Town
2. Going Up The Country
3. Let's Work Together
4. Woodstock Boogie

* Mountain, hour-long set including Jack Bruce's "Theme For An Imaginary Western."
1. Blood of the Sun
2. Stormy Monday
3. Long Red
4. Who Am I But You And The Sun
5. Beside The Sea
6. For Yasgur's Farm
7. You and Me
8. Theme For An Imaginary Western
9. Waiting To Take You Away
10. Dreams of Milk and Honey
11. Blind Man
12. Blue Suede Shoes
13. Southbound Train

* Janis Joplin with The Kozmic Blues Band[16]
1. Raise Your Hand
2. As Good As You've Been To This World
3. To Love Somebody
4. Summertime
5. Try (Just A Little Bit Harder)
6. Kosmic Blues
7. Can't Turn you Loose
8. Work Me Lord
9. Piece of My Heart
10. Ball & Chain

* Grateful Dead
1. St. Stephen
2. Mama Tried
3. Dark Star/High Time
4. Turn On Your Love Light

Grateful Dead's performance was plagued by technical problems, including a faulty electrical ground. Members Jerry Garcia and Bob Weir reported getting shocked every time they touched their guitars.[citation needed]

* Creedence Clearwater Revival
1. Born on the Bayou
2. Green River
3. Ninety-Nine and a Half (Won't Do)
4. Commotion
5. Bootleg
6. Bad Moon Rising
7. Proud Mary
8. I Put A Spell On You
9. Night Time is the Right Time
10. Keep On Chooglin'
11. Suzy Q

* Sly & the Family Stone
1. M’Lady
2. Sing A Simple Song
3. You Can Make It If You Try
4. Everyday People
5. Dance To The Music
6. I Want To Take You Higher
7. Love City
8. Stand!

* The Who began at 4 AM, kicking off a 25-song set including Tommy
1. Heaven and Hell
2. I Can't Explain
3. It's a Boy
4. 1921
5. Amazing Journey
6. Sparks
7. Eyesight to the Blind
8. Christmas
9. Tommy Can You Hear Me?
10. Acid Queen
11. Pinball Wizard
12. Abbie Hoffman incident (see section below)
13. Do You Think It's Alright?
14. Fiddle About
15. There's a Doctor
16. Go to the Mirror
17. Smash the Mirror
18. I'm Free
19. Tommy's Holiday Camp
20. We're Not Gonna Take It
21. See Me, Feel Me
22. Summertime Blues
23. Shakin' All Over
24. My Generation
25. Naked Eye

* Jefferson Airplane
1. Volunteers
2. Somebody To Love
3. The Other Side of This Life
4. Plastic Fantastic Lover
5. Won't You Try/Saturday Afternoon
6. Eskimo Blue Day
7. Uncle Sam's Blues
8. White Rabbit

Sunday, August 17 to Monday, August 18

Joe Cocker was the first act on the last officially booked day (Sunday); he opened up the day's events at 2 PM. His set was preceded by at least two instrumentals by The Grease Band.

* Joe Cocker
1. Dear Landlord
2. Something Comin' On
3. Do I Still Figure In Your Life
4. Feelin' Alright
5. Just Like A Woman
6. Let's Go Get Stoned
7. I Don't Need A Doctor
8. I Shall Be Released
9. With a Little Help from My Friends

* After Joe Cocker's set, a storm disrupted the events for several hours.

* Country Joe and the Fish resumed the concert around 6 p.m.
1. Rock and Soul Music
2. Thing Called Love
3. Love Machine
4. The "Fish" Cheer/I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag

* Ten Years After
1. Good Morning Little Schoolgirl
2. I Can't Keep From Crying Sometimes
3. I May Be Wrong, But I Won't Be Wrong Always
4. Hear Me Calling
5. I'm Going Home

* The Band - Set list confirmed in Levon Helm's book "This Wheel's On Fire"
1. Chest Fever
2. Tears of Rage
3. We Can Talk
4. Don't You Tell Henry
5. Don't Do It
6. Ain't No More Cane
7. Long Black Veil
8. This Wheel's On Fire
9. I Shall Be Released
10. The Weight
11. Loving You Is Sweeter Than Ever

* Blood, Sweat & Tears ushered in the midnight hour with five songs.
1. More and More
2. I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know
3. Spinning Wheel
4. I Stand Accused
5. Something Comin' On

* Johnny Winter featuring Edgar Winter, his brother, on two songs.
1. Mama, Talk to Your Daughter
2. To Tell the Truth
3. Johnny B. Goode
4. Six Feet In the Ground
5. Leland Mississippi Blues/Rock Me Baby
6. Mean Mistreater
7. I Can't Stand It (with Edgar Winter)
8. Tobacco Road (with Edgar Winter)
9. Mean Town Blues

* Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young began around 3 a.m. with separate acoustic and electric sets.

=Acoustic Set
1. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
2. Blackbird
3. Helplessly Hoping
4. Guinnevere
5. Marrakesh Express
6. 4 + 20
7. Mr. Soul
8. Wonderin'
9. You Don't Have To Cry

=Electric Set
1. Pre-Road Downs
2. Long Time Gone
3. Bluebird
4. Sea of Madness
5. Wooden Ships
6. Find the Cost of Freedom
7. 49 Bye-Byes

Neil Young skipped most of the acoustic set (the exceptions being his compositions "Mr. Soul" and "Wonderin'") and joined Crosby, Stills & Nash, but refused to be filmed during the electric set; by his own report, Young felt the filming was distracting both performers and audience from the music. Young's "Sea of Madness," heard on the album, was actually recorded a month after the festival at the Fillmore East.

* Paul Butterfield Blues Band
1. Everything's Gonna Be Alright
2. Driftin'
3. Born Under A Bad Sign
4. Morning Sunrise
5. Love March

* Sha-Na-Na
1. Na Na Theme
2. Yakety Yak
3. Teen Angel
4. Jailhouse Rock
5. Wipe Out
6. Book of Love
7. Duke of Earl
8. At the Hop
9. Na Na Theme

* Jimi Hendrix. After being introduced as the 'Jimi Hendrix Experience' Hendrix corrected the new group's name to 'Gypsy Sun and Rainbows'. This was the last act of the woodstock festival. The full list of Hendrix's Woodstock performance:
1. Message to Love
2. Hear My Train A Comin'
3. Spanish Castle Magic
4. Red House (Hendrix's high E-string broke while playing, but played the rest of the song with five strings.)
5. Mastermind (written and sung by Larry Lee)
6. Lover Man
7. Foxy Lady
8. Jam Back At The House
9. Izabella
10. Gypsy Woman/Aware Of Love (These two songs written by Curtis Mayfield were sung by Larry Lee as a medley)
11. Fire
12. Voodoo Child (Slight Return)/Stepping Stone
13. The Star-Spangled Banner
14. Purple Haze
15. Woodstock Improvisation/Villanova Junction
16. Hey Joe

With that said, let's look at the dream team for 2009's Woodstock:

Friday:
* 1. Aerosmith
* 2. Lynyrd Skynyrd
* 3. Kid Rock
* 4. Lenny Kravitz
* 5. Matchbox 20
* 6. Finger Eleven
* 7. Deathcab for Cutie
* 8. Sheryl Crow
* 9. Jet
* 10. John Meyer
* 11. Ted Nuget
* 12. The Donnas

Saturday:
* 1. Guns N Roses
* 2. Stone Temple Pilots
* 3. Green Day
* 4. Jane's Addiction
* 5. My Chemical Romance
* 6. Dave Mathews Band
* 7. Nickelback
* 8. The White Stripes
* 9. The Black Crowes
* 10. Tom Petty
* 11. Buckcherry
* 12. Slunt

Sunday:
* 1. Van Halen
* 2. Motley Crue
* 3. U2
* 4. Coldplay
* 5. Bon Jovi
* 6. Foo Fighters
* 7. The Killers
* 8. Tenacious D
* 9. Red Hot Chili Peppers
* 10. Maroon 5

PEACE. LOVE. MUSIC. Make Woodstock 2009 happen.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

Something wicked this way comes.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Awesome names, their meanings, and etymology.

Dante
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Endurance
Famous bearer: Dante Alighieri, writer.

Matteo
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Gift of God
Famous bearer: Matteo Carcassi, guitarist.

Giovanni
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: God is gracious
Famous bearer: Giovanni Boccaccio, writer.

Santino
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Little Saint, Sacred
Famous bearer: Santino Corleone, a character in Mario Puzo's "The Godfather"

Antonio
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Beyond praise
Famous bearer: Antonio, the title character of Shakespeare's "The Merchant Of Venice". The name was also used in Shakespeare's other plays: Much Ado About Nothing, The Tempest, and Twelfth Night.

Maximiliano
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: The greatest
Famous bearer: Maximilian of Antioch, a Christian martyr under Julian the Apostate

Lorenzo
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Laurence: from the place of laurel trees
Famous bearer: Lorenzo, Jessica's lover in Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice"

Angelo
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Messenger of God; angel
Famous bearer: Angelo, characters in Shakespeare's "Measure for Measure" and "The Comedy of Errors"

Alessandro
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Helper and Defender of man
Famous bearer: Alessandro de' Medici "il Moro", Duke of Penne and Duke of Florence

Damiano
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: One who tames; subdues;
Famous bearer: Damiano, a small village outside the town of Giannitsa, in Greece's Pella Prefecture

Vito
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Victor
Famous bearer: Vito Corleone, the title character in Mario Puzo's "The Godfather"

Vincenzo
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Conquering
Famous bearer: Vincenzo Galilei, father of Galileo

Cosimo
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: Order
Famous bearer: Several members of the Medici family are named Cosimo, including three grand dukes of Tuscany

Crucifixio
Sex: M
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: A variation of Crucifix or Croccifixio
Famous bearer: Croccifixio De Lena, a character in Mario Puzo's "The Last Don"

Sirius*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: Glowing; Scorcher
Famous bearer: Sirius is the brightest star in Canis Major, the Great Dog constellation, as well as in the night sky. Sirius Black is a character in JK Rowling's Harry Potter.

Regulus*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Latin
Meaning: Little King; Prince
Famous bearer: α Leo / α Leonis / Alpha Leonis, which is situated at the heart of the lion in the constellation of Leo.

Arcturus*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: Bear guardian
Famous bearer: Arcturus is the brightest star in the constellation of Boötes (of which it forms the left foot), which is next to the Big and Little Bears, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.

Pollux*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Greek and Latin
Meaning: Much Sweet Wine
Famous bearer: One of the Gemini twins, son of Leda and Zeus

Castor
Sex: M
Origin of name: Greek and Latin
Meaning: Beaver
Famous bearer: One of the Gemini twins, son of Leda and Tyndareus

Marius*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Roman
Meaning: Sea of bitterness
Famous bearer: Marius, one of the main characters in Victor Hugo's "Les Misérables."

Lycoris*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: Twilight
Famous bearer: Ovid and Virgil mentions a mistress of Mark Antony called Lycoris

Lucrezia
Sex: F
Origin of name: Italian
Meaning: profit; wealth. Derived from the latin name "Lucretia"*
Famous bearer: Lucretia was a legendary Roman maiden who was raped by the son of the King of Rome, an event which triggered the toppling of the monarchy and the establishment of the Roman Republic. Lucrezia Borgia was the daughter of Rodrigo Borgia, the powerful Renaissance Valencian who later became Pope Alexander VI. Their family was notorious for it's ruthlessness and corruption while dabbling in incestuous relationships.

Cygnus*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Latin
Meaning: Swan
Famous bearer: Cygnus is a northern constellation known as the Swan or Northern Cross.

Callidora*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: Gift of Beauty
Famous bearer: Callidora is a parasite that preys on moths and butterflies

Cassandra
Sex: F
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: she who entangles men
Famous bearer: In Greek mythology, Cassandra was the daughter of King Priam and Queen Hecuba of Troy. She and her twin brother, Helenus, were granted the gift of Prophecy.

Bellatrix*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Latin
Meaning: female warrior
Famous bearer: γ Ori / γ Orionis / Gamma Orionis is the third brightest star in the constellation Orion and 27th brightest in the nighttime sky. It is also known as the Amazon Star.

Narcissa*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: The Self-Admirer
Famous bearer: In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hero of the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty.

Draco*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Latin and Greek
Meaning: Dragon (Latin); Serpent (Greek)
Famous bearer: Draco is a constellation in the far northern sky. It is connected to multiple legends in Greek mythology, most notably as symbolizing the hundred-headed dragon Hercules had to get past during his Twelve Labours, or the dragon killed by Cadmus before he founded the city of Thebes. In Roman legend, Draco the dragon was killed by the Goddess of Wisdom, Minerva, and tossed into the sky. In addition, Draco was the name of an Ancient Greek legislature whose laws were notoriously harsh. The word draconian, meaning "unusually severe or cruel", is derived from his name.

Scorpius*
Sex: M
Origin of name: Latin
Meaning: Scorpion
Famous bearer: Scorpius is one of the constellations of the zodiac; as an astrological sign it is called scorpio. It is linked to Hades, God of the Underworld, as well as the scorpion that killed the hunter Orion.

Asteria*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Greek
Meaning: Falling star
Famous bearer: Asteria is one of the Titans in Greek mythology. She is the Goddess of astrology and necromancy.

Augusta*
Sex: F
Origin of name: Latin
Meaning: Great; venerable
Famous bearer: Augustus was the name given to the first emperor of Rome.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Shut your pieholes...

... or I'll nuzzle you.

Let me tell you something about hypocrisy, it is all of you Filipinos who speak as if you weren't one yourselves and about the red-neck Americans, sucked by the Hollywood standard and commercialism, who think themselves superior against any other color. Let me tell you something about reverse racism. It is all of you Filipinos who discriminate against your own race.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about the unfair and undeserved comments made by Perez Hilton readers regarding the Filipino version of Twilight, "Takipsilim".

Sure, the shit has hit the fan with this one. It sucks balls. It's a disastrous move made by Summit and Stephenie Meyer. The press will have a field day with this one (not like they aren't having any with Kristen Stewart smoking pot on her porch or with Robert Pattinson getting drunk every other night with random hoes). It may undoubtedly ruin the franchise. I am devastated. But I am not so overcome with grief that I will sign a petition against it.

What are all of your problems? It's not like the Philippines is shoving the thing down your gullet. No one is strapping you to a chair and making you watch every excruciating second of it on hour's end. It wouldn't even be able to see the light of day on most countries; it, with all probability, will only air on the Filipino Channel in America and ABS-CBN in the Philippines.

Proclaiming your Filipino and still saying that Filipino's have ZERO originality because shows like Gossip Girl, Ugly Betty, Heroes, and the like have been ripped off is not open-mindedness. It's submitting to westernization. YOU are not fucking AMERICANS. YOU are not WHITE. Whether you live in America as an ex-pat or not is irrelevant.

And to those goddamn rednecks, it is NOT OKAY to lump the Filipinos into one category. We ARE well-versed in English. We ARE educated. We DO have minds of our own.

Why bash the Philippines for wanting their own version of Twilight? ABS-CBN bought the rights. Stephenie Meyer and Summit agreed to this, whether or not it's because they are money-hungry or whether they think it's good publicity is beyond me. Don't hang the Filipinos over someone else's mistake. The only people to blame here are the snobbish twilighters who wish themselves to be an exclusive group of people who are well-read.

Besides, it's not like the American movie was any better.

And on a side note, Hollywood remakes Asian films all the time - The Eye, The Messengers (which starred Kristen Stewart), Red Eye, My Sassy Girl, The Grudge, etc... Why degrade and berate Asians when you do the same?

Monday, December 15, 2008

If Twilight Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.

KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.

BILLY BURKE

Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.

KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?

GREGORY TYREE BOYCE

Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?

MICHAEL WELCH

No way you asshole, I saw her first!

KRISTEN STEWART

I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead?

ANNA KENDRICK

Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

ANNA KENDRICK

Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.

KRISTEN STEWART

Who's the albino Wolverine?

ANNA KENDRICK

Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.

KRISTEN STEWART

No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days...

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.

KRISTEN STEWART

(swoon)

ROBERT PATTINSON

You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.

ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry what-so-ever.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!

ROBERT PATTINSON

There's more. I want to eat you.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but...

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I mean literally eat you. I'm a vampire.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.

He DOES.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Don't be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It's like being Spider-Man, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.

KRISTEN STEWART

So that's why why your family moved here, because it's always overcast!

ROBERT PATTINSON

That's right everyone, this whole movie is a two-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.

KRISTEN STEWART

So if you're immortal, how old are you anyway?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.

INT. KRISTEN'S BEDROOM

KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy fucking shit! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?

ROBERT PATTINSON

2 months.

KRISTEN STEWART

But I've only lived here one month according to the script.

ROBERT PATTINSN

Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on shit like that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have sex.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?

ROBERT PATTINSON

It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.

INT. BILLY BURKE'S HOUSE

BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.

BILLY BURKE

Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry's ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright. Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.

BILLY BURKE

So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ummmmmmmm...

BILLY BURKE

Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, you're embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I'm just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I'll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.

BILLY BURKE

Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It's literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.

KRISTEN STEWART

Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don't need this!

BILLY BURKE

Really? Weren't you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT'S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.

INT. GLASS MANSION

KRISTEN meets ROBERT'S VAMPIRE FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn't smell as bad.

PETER FACINELLI

Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?

PETER FACINELLI

Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...

NIKKI REED

Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.

KRISTEN STEWART

Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.

NIKKI REED

Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?

KRISTEN STEWART

Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?

PETER FACINELLI

Vampire baseball.

KRISTEN STEWART

Ha ha, no seriously.

PETER FACINELLI

Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?

KRISTEN STEWART

Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of shit vampires are supposed to, like fucking kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTEN.

CAM GIGANDET

Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.

CAM GIGANDET

Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Scrabble.

PETER FACINELLI

The family that slays together, stays together.

CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.

PETER FACINELLI

Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

PETER FACINELLI

Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.

He DOES. It's very DISSATISFYING.

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.

KRISTEN STEWART

I thought vampires never slept.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Script. Six weeks. Remember?

KRISTEN STEWART

Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.

KRISTEN STEWART

From vampires?

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.

KRISTEN STEWART

No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Holy shit, you're a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.

They stay together and go to the PROM.

KRISTEN STEWART

I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.

ROBERT PATTINSON

So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART

I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON

At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.

END

Source: Cracked

Sunday, December 14, 2008

You're breaking my heart.

That's basically the only thing I want to say. You order me to do this and that and you just expect me to drop everything I'm doing, be grateful you deemed me capable of attending to your needs and just nod my head eagerly as I finish the task and wait for you to pat my head like the good dog that I am.

I am not a dog, Nana.

You are.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Every girl needs a man.

You know, the kind that'll treat you right.

The kind that has enough respect for you and is willing to change, just to be with you.

The kind that searches for you with all his heart and that can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls.

Every girl needs a man who won't cheat on her because he knows she's got all that he wants and needs already.

He would be willing to be your friend, and your lover, and he won't mind calling you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning song and tell you a bedtime story or talk to you until you fall asleep.

This guy will be the kind that'll do anything for you, even if it's to just go to the store and buy you your favorite kind of candy.

He would defend and fight for you, and he wouldn't bail on you for his friends when you need him most.

The kind that won't leave you lonely and wondering; the one that calls you surprisingly, even if he's out with his friend/s, just to tell you that he loves and misses you a lot.

The kind that isn't afraid to smile to his friends every time you're around and tell them, "She's the one".

The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they're little.

The ones that actually thank you for the little love notes you leave him, waits for you when you're falling behind, and opens doors for you.

Every girl needs a man who will take you out on dates once in awhile and buys you flowers just because it's a Wednesday.

The kind of guy that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him.

He would remind you that he loves you and that he's happy to be with you, just in case you forget.

The kind that doesn't just want kisses and hugs, but to actually love and be loved.

You deserve a guy that will call you beautiful instead of hot, who kisses your forehead when you're down, tells you to be strong and to not cry, and when you do cry, he'd be there crying with you because he knows you're having a tough time.

Those kinds that will go through thick and thin with and for you.

Those kinds that just loves you for who you are and not for who you aren't; loves you because you're his little brat and he's your teddy bear.